Let’s talk about stress
The most common stress triggers for parents (and how to cope with them)
‘Stressed but blessed’ is something we’ve said before. But beneath that lighthearted humour is actually something more sinister - and as with many health conditions, stigmatised.
It’s Stress Awareness Month so we’re focusing our attention on raising awareness of common stress triggers for parents and offering some guidance and support with some basic coping strategies. First, let’s try and answer some important questions: What is stress? And what impact does stress have on my health?
What is stress?
There’s no medical definition of stress which can make it difficult to define, particularly when it affects people in very different ways. Louise Harris, Mindfulness Coach, and mental health advocate explains: “Stress is the body’s physical reaction to feeling threatened or under pressure. When stressed, we function in ‘fight or flight mode’ where our body is prepared for danger or ready to flee to safety”. There are some positives to feeling stressed - in times of crisis or danger we’re roused to take action, it can even motivate us to take action towards achieving a goal. But, it needs to be balanced.
When a state of stress is sustained over time, that’s when problems set in. It can manifest itself in different ways - physically, mentally, and in your behaviour. The NHS website lists 15 symptoms of stress, from headaches or dizziness, stomach problems, feeling overwhelmed, constantly worrying, and being irritable and snappy. Some of these can be related to other things, but checking against that list in this frame of mind might help you better recognise the impact that stress may be having on you.
So, what impact does it have on my health?
Louise explains, “Over time, this state of high alert suppresses the body’s ability to heal as the immune system is under immense strain. No amount of green smoothies will do the job - your route to wellness is to enhance your ability to manage your stress response”.
When stress starts to have a negative impact on your life, it can start to impact your personal relationships, your food consumption, your finances - in fact, all of the things that influence your general wellbeing. It can trigger mental health concerns like depression and anxiety too.
As parents, when we’re suffering from stress it can make us feel like we can’t cope with fulfilling our role as Mum or Dad. Parenting gets even harder, right?
So, what stresses out parents the most?
Here are some of the most common stress triggers in parents, and some tips that might help you manage them.
Hitting developmental milestones
Reaching developmental milestones in children is a common source of stress. In a world where our lives are often broadcast for the world to see and for family, friends, and strangers to comment on (sometimes welcome, often unsolicited) - it’s hard not to compare. Your baby will develop in their own time - the milestones are guidelines, not set in stone.
Stress tip: if you’re concerned that your child is behind in an aspect of their development, don’t search for answers online. Take control of your response and tell yourself that you will not ‘Google’ this. Instead, call your GP or Health Visitor and book an appointment to get a professional opinion. Scanning lots of information on your device is not only the opposite of relaxing (it’s a stimulant), it’s a really ineffective way of getting the right evidence-based information that truly reflects your child, who is unique.
Illness and feeling poorly
When your child is mixing with other children, it’s common for them to pick up coughs and colds, sore throats, head lice, and other good, bad and ugly ailments. You may also be dealing with things like reflux or constipation that cause a lot of pain and discomfort. Medical concerns are the number one source of stress in parents, as cited by HuffPost Parents.
Stress tip: trust your instincts - you know your child the best. If your gut is telling you they are ok, try to calmly monitor their symptoms. If you feel the need to consult your GP or pharmacist, then don’t put it off - address the concern right away. Searching online for medical information can bring an overwhelming number of search results back, so rather than looking for the same answer time and time again, consult one trusted source of information such as the NHS website to check any symptoms your child is experiencing and if there are any at-home treatment options.
Food
It’s our sole purpose as a parent to keep our children safe. So when children refuse one of our most important sources of life - food - it is hella stressful. Children not eating, or not eating specific foods is in the top three sources of stress in parents. Meal times are a real stress trigger for so many people. Needing the time to prepare different types of meals, children refusing food that’s been freshly prepared, tidying up a lot of mess…. I’m sure we’ve all been there.
Stress tip: knowledge is power. If you’re worried about your child not eating enough, or the right foods, read up on the guidelines for how much they should be eating for their age - it’s often less than you think. There are lots of really helpful resources and books available that can help keep you grounded when it comes to managing mealtimes too. I found the Wean in 15 book really helpful, and accounts on Instagram such as kids.nutritionist and SR Nutrition are great sources of information and advice. Again, trust your instincts and if you feel a chat with your GP is the best course of action for you, then do it.
Bedtime
I’ll hold my hands up, sometimes the most stressful thing about bedtime is my own need to get the kids to sleep so I can get on with the rest of my to-do list, and maybe grab 30 minutes on the sofa. Getting children to bed - including bath time, cleaning their teeth, and prizing them away from screens - all make the top 20 list of stress triggers in parents. It’s not easy when you have more than one child to manage or children who are over-tired or over-stimulated.
Stress tip: A positive mindset can really help here. The calmer you are, the calmer your child will likely be. Try to remind yourself that the days might be long but the years are fast. Look at your bedtime routine, is there something you can change? Are you putting too much pressure on yourself? To reduce over-stimulation before bedtime, try replacing screen time with a bedtime box full of calming activities such as books and jigsaws. Reducing blue light from your devices for at least 50 minutes before bed is proven to aid sleep.
Screen time
Pre-pandemic, regulating screen time for children was a well-recited stress trigger. Fast forward to now, and months of isolation and homeschool during national lockdowns have inevitably led to a further increase in the amount of time spent watching TV, playing with mobile devices, or gaming with friends (no judgment here, the TV was definitely my friend during homeschool). Why do we worry about excessive screen time? For the same reasons that we need to monitor our own. Far too much use can lead to eye damage, mood swings, and weight gain, amongst other things. But note the emphasis on excessive.
Stress tip: If you want to reduce screen time, maybe start with the period before bedtime to encourage better quality sleep. If you need a third party to mediate, setting timers on Alexa or your phone can really help. Think about the value of their online activity - is it giving them some social connection? Is it helping them to wind down? It’s all about balance and you know what your child needs, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself.
Time
You know, that thing we had more of before kids? It’s true - simple tasks can take much longer than before we became parents, like getting out of the front door and getting dressed in the morning. Time pressures can really impact how we deal with stressors - there’s nothing like being late, or feeling impatient, to make many situations feel so much worse.
Stress tip: when you can find calm, you’re better equipped to feel more in control of situations and emotions. How do you find your calm? You need to prioritise time for yourself. Self-care is a necessary need. So whether it be taking five minutes to practice some deep breathing, or taking an hour or two for a long walk or to focus your time on a personal project - taking time out for yourself will help you deal with stressful situations where time feels like it’s just slipping away.
Does this sound familiar? Then it’s time to take action.
Short periods of stress and strain might be manageable for many people. But prolonged periods of stress can have a negative impact on your wellbeing. Why should we accept feeling stressed as the norm? In short, we shouldn’t.
How are you feeling?
If you’re not sure how you’re feeling, but you’re just not feeling right, the NHS has a mood self-assessment quiz that might help you understand your feelings a bit better. Whatever you are feeling, you are not alone. Research confirms that levels of stress, depression and anxiety among parents have indeed risen during the lockdowns.
If you feel like you need extra support for your stress symptoms, you can talk to friends, family or your GP.
And finally, we are not medical professionals - we are parents experiencing the same things. So for evidence-based information, we recommend you visit the NHS website pages about stress.
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