Understanding the mental load of parenting

Our founder and Mum of two, Chloe Lowe, explains what the mental load of parenting is, why parenting is hard today, how you can start to lighten the load and what support is available to you to help you find your joy in everyday parenting.

Welcome to the imperfect world of parenting

You know it's going to be a bumpy ride, but that doesn't mean you can give up on your joy in everyday moments with your kids - from running around outside to eating a family meal together. It does require some effort from us as parents - it also takes energy on their behalf too (both physical and mental). 

Wouldn't life feel better if we could manage these tasks more effortlessly? Imagine not having so many worries about what to feed the kids, how to entertain them without feeling overburdened at work or at home; being able to take some time for yourself instead of online shopping and folding laundry. 

The sheer volume of things we have to do and the things we have to think about. It’s a lot, right? 

It's completely natural to feel stressed, guilty and less present than we’d like to be. Thankfully there are ways that we can support each other throughout this process.

What does the mental load mean?

You may have been doing ‘emotional labour’ for years without knowing that it is called such. Taking care of the emotions in your family, from disbanding quarrels and calming tantrums to keeping peace within relationships or creating happy moments for you all - feeling guilty or worrying about kids belongs in this category as well.

‘Cognitive labour’ is the term used to describe knowing what's going on and understanding all of those practical elements that keep your household running smoothly. This could be organising playdates, keeping on top of medical appointments, choosing childcare options, planning holidays and just keeping up with the housework. 

It can be a lot when you're juggling both cognitive and emotional labour. The ‘mental load’ is where these two aspects meet - there's the perception of what needs doing for your day-to-day functioning, as well as organising those things ahead so they don't pile up on top of each other later down the line.

The World Economic Forum delves a little deeper into the characteristics of the mental load within families and society. It explains:

We argue that the way the mental load operates within families and society has three characteristics: (1) it is invisible in that it is enacted internally yet results in a range of unpaid, physical labour; (2) it is boundaryless in that can be brought to work and into leisure and sleep time; and (3) enduring in that it is never complete because it is tied to caring for loved ones which is constant.

Why is parenting harder today? 

It feels hard because it is hard. In fact, there are many reasons why parenting is harder today:

  • We all know that raising children can be a full-time job. It's no wonder there are increased pressures on finding suitable childcare and balancing daily responsibilities with work-life while looking after small people: we spend twice as much time together than parents did in the mid-1960s.

  • We all know the phrase "It takes a village to raise our children." But nowadays, we need more than just people in our local area. You can't count on your neighbours or close family for support anymore; they might be busy working themselves and not have much time left over towards helping you with parenting duties. Our ‘villages’ have disbanded and we’re turning to willing friends and paid-for services to help. 

  • ​​The workplace is becoming more female-friendly, but there's still room for improvement. Women have been entering the labour force in droves over the past few decades and this has had some interesting effects on our society as a whole - they are working outside of the home (and increasingly leading careers) and spending less time cooking meals or looking after children while still balancing family responsibilities. More and more, there is increased pressure on men to share the mental and physical responsibilities of the family and household. 

  • We’re living in a period of uncertainty and change. We survived the pandemic, but what will happen now that it's over? We’re now dealing with the unknown aftermath and anticipating the effect it has had on our children, our close ones and ourselves. 

  • We're all feeling the pressure to live leaner lifestyles and avoid getting into debt. With increased costs of living, we have less money for utilities and other essentials that make life comfortable - this can be a huge burden on our mental health. 

  • Parents have been put on a pedestal these past years and we're used to going above and beyond for the benefit of our families. Now’s the time we need to move away from intensified expectations and hold on to the hope that our kids won't grow up too fast.

  • Climate change is real. Parents worldwide are feeling disempowered and sad because they have little to no information about the problem.

The mental load of motherhood

The division of labour in the household has become a hot topic as data brings to life the reality for mothers post-pandemic. A research report from Pregnant Then Screwed - an organisation that works with female empowerment and ending motherhood penalties - highlights that 72% had to reduce their hours due to childcare issues while 65% said lack of available care was why they were furloughed.

This is not new information. A 2015 report found that 64% of mothers in two-parent households said they did more than their spouse or partner when managing children’s schedules and activities. Furthermore, BCG Group document in their article Lightening the mental load that holds women back: 

‘the distribution of time-intensive household chores remains heavily skewed along traditional gender lines, even in households where both spouses work full time. Women are more likely to handle tasks that are time-sensitive and occur frequently. For example, someone needs to leave work on time every day to ensure that dinner is on the table and the family is fed; similarly, someone needs to clean up afterwards. This is the daily grind, and women tend to shoulder the primary responsibility for it.’

How to lighten the mental load of parenting

Lightening the mental load of parenting isn't straightforward or easy. We’re here due to years of cultural and societal beliefs and practices and are carrying the burden of living through coronavirus and climate change, among a million other things. When it comes to managing it, there are a few things that can help. Try out new strategies and see what works best for you in terms of your values and family setup. 

1. Divide and conquer parenting tasks

If it were that easy, you’d be doing it already right? Maybe not, as it’s often the case that partners don’t truly see and understand the invisible load you are carrying. It might even be the case that because their efforts aren’t perceived as good enough, they’re shamed into backing off. Good communication is critical here - years ago in my household, this topic was a guaranteed trigger for an argument. 

If a heart to heart doesn’t work, try the ‘Fair Play’ way by Eve Rodsky. Fair Play is a method created to help you and your partner allocate household tasks equally, but through a process where you begin to understand why they are important to one or both of you. The basic approach is to write up 100 cards with the household tasks that are on your ever-increasing list and allocate full responsibility (from thinking about it to delivering on it) based on its value to you. 

2. Ask for help from family and friends when you need it

Why don’t people ask for help? Good old British stoicism, the insecurity of relinquishing control or the fear of rejection or appearing needy. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, some argue it is a sign of strength or simply just being human. 

Try repeating these words: ‘I ask for, and accept help. I give help back in return’. 

This positive affirmation will help you reach out to someone when you need to. You’ll most likely wonder why you hesitated when you hear their reply. 

3. Create a schedule for everything

Now, this isn’t for everyone, but creating a schedule for things such as parent-child bonding activities, chores, and bedtime can really help. Offloading what’s in your head onto paper (or platform) can help create a little headspace. The visual representation can help you manage feelings of overwhelm and the sense of achievement when you tick something off can be really rewarding. 

4. Use technology to your advantage 

There are lots of great apps and tools to help you keep track of everything (including ours). While endlessly searching Google for inspiration and solutions can add to overwhelm, some platforms provide a safe space to deal with specific parenting problems, such as Peanut which helps Mums connect with other Mums to discuss all things parenting and combat feelings of isolation. Or Bubble, which connects busy parents with local, vetted and rated babysitters in your area. 

5. Take some time for yourself each day

Even if it's just 10 minutes a day to relax and recharge, you deserve that time. You can’t be expected to look after your children and the household if you can’t look after yourself too. In 10-15 minutes (or more if you can) you can drink a cup of tea in a quiet room, go for a brisk walk, do a short online workout, listen to an audiobook, do some stretching, have a long shower, do a short meditation or cook some nourishing foods. Read our blog, ‘How to find me time as a busy parent’ for some more inspiration.

Sources of support 

  • Friends and family who have been there too. Just talking about a concern or issue will help. Remember, you are in control of the advice you receive - you can accept, adapt or reject it. 

  • If you experience perinatal mental illness (pre- and post-natal depression, anxiety, psychosis or birth trauma) the Pandas Foundation UK offers many ways to get in touch. You can call their free helpline on 0808 1961 776, get email support or attend a support group. 

  • Money Helper (formerly the Money Advice Service) is a great resource for anyone looking for support to navigate the cost of living increase or get advice on family finance and care.

  • Working Families is the UK’s work-life balance charity. They provide free legal advice to parents and carers on their rights at work.

  • And finally, Parent List. We will be launching our digital platform to parents in mid-2022 with the single aim to help you find your joy in daily parenting. Sign up using the form below to get our monthly email updates and offers.

The mental load of parenting is here to stay, but…

It can be tough to manage everything on our own and sometimes it feels like we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. But don’t worry, you are not alone. There are lots of resources available to help lighten your load, including ours. Sign up for our email newsletter today and get access to tips, tricks and support specifically tailored for parents just like you. You can do this (because we’ve got you!)