How to avoid the mum guilt when you need self-care
When you think of self-care what comes to mind? Is it face masks, spa days, or a retreat in the Swiss alps? We can dream. Maybe we have been looking at self-care all wrong. Maybe self-care is eating properly, staying hydrated (hands up if you haven’t had a glass of water today but have managed 3 coffees) and getting enough sleep.
As life speeds by with the endless to-do list growing every day, it is so easy to put yourself and your needs at the bottom of the pile. Does it sometimes feel like the dog is higher up on the list?
By not giving enough to ourselves we are doing a huge disservice to the ones we love. How can we possibly keep giving if we are running on empty?
So how do we tackle this? How do we fill our cups back up and replenish our energy stores? But at the same time, how do we unlearn thinking we are being selfish when we need to take some time out?
We spoke to Conscious Living Coach, Carol-Anne Ward about how we can start making small changes that will make a huge difference:
“I believe there are four stages to making a real difference in this part of your life. The first is identifying your needs, the second is communicating them, the third is learning about boundaries and the fourth is reflection. Let’s look at these in more detail.
“Step 1: Needs
The most important part of this is to really work out what it is you need. This can be a hard process because of the small voice in your head telling you it’s selfish or you don’t deserve things. We all have this inner voice, and the key is to notice what it’s saying, acknowledge that a part of you believes it and let it go. The more you practice this, the less the voice will appear, and the more you will be able to see that you aren’t selfish and you do deserve. Take five minutes in your day to write down all the things that you need and want. Look at them all and pick one that would have the biggest impact on your life right now.
“Step 2: Communication
Sometimes the hardest thing to say is what we need. And yet, if we all did a little more of that, we would be healthier, happier and more present in our lives. Communicating our needs can feel challenging and scary but taking small steps every day can make it feel less daunting and more liberating. You can try communicating your needs (which might be as simple as needing 15 minutes of alone time to meditate or exercise each day) by doing the following: -
Let your partner know that you would like to take 10 minutes to be together and talk - ring fence the time so it’s planned in
Sit them down and ask them to just listen for a few minutes
Communicate that there is something you need and state what it is
Ask them how they can help you with that need and create a plan together
Thank them for listening and say that if there is something they need then you can also discuss that
“By bringing them into the “problem-solving” situation, you are showing them that they are an important part of the process and that you trust them to help support your needs, as you want to support theirs.
“Step 3: Boundaries
We are all guilty of breaking our own boundaries. It’s much easier than maintaining them. Again, it feels selfish to put boundaries up, but the reality is that it’s what enables us to be more of the people we want to be because we’re getting our needs met. Starting with communication, once you have a plan, let everyone know what that is and that you will be sticking to it. And that is the key, no matter what, make that one thing your non-negotiable each day. To begin with this process may feel alien, but eventually, it will just become part of your family life and be accepted by everyone.
“Step 4: Reflection
An important part of making changes is to reflect on what those changes bring you moving forward. You can reflect in your mind, by talking it through with someone else or by keeping a journal about it. The key is to recognise all the positive benefits to the changes you’ve made. How 15 or 20 minutes a day has allowed you space to feel calmer, more centred and fuller, which in turn has allowed you to be more present, feel more joy and be able to give more to the people you love the most. Building that inner relationship with yourself leaves you feeling more loved and appreciated by yourself and by people around you.”
Why not have a look at our checklists for more tips on finding space in your day to help you restore yourself?
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Written by Carol-Anne Ward and Victoria Cobley
Carol-Anne Ward is a Conscious Living Coach based in Sheffield.
Victoria is a Freelance journalist and content creator with two children aged 5 and 2.