How to lighten the mental load
Our philosophy at Parent List is simple: We’re here to help you manage the mental load of parenting. But what is the mental load exactly, how can you share it, and what can you do when you’ve reached exhaustion and overwhelm? When it gets to that point, you need quiet, and time to gain some headspace.
Here we talk about the added cognitive and emotional pressure that comes with parenting in today’s modern world, including 5 tips to help lighten the load.
What is the mental load of parenting?
Sometimes referred to as the “invisible burden” and “cognitive labour”, the mental load is about more than juggling a family, a job, and the housework. It’s the unseen pressure of not only co-ordinating the lives of small people but the emotional aspect too. Like worrying about your child’s physical and mental health, and guilt or concern over whether you’re being the best parent you can be. And, having to think of everything.
There are also practical aspects to remember, such as your growing 3-year-old needing new tights or shoes. And finding time to place a food order for delivery next week. Plus, having to empty the washing machine, dry the clothes, and put away the previous load of laundry. All while trying to look after small children, pick up from nursery, manage playdates, appointments and extracurricular activities, cook dinner, plan meals everyone will eat, fit in some “me time”, AND work.
The responsibility of having to remember and organise everything while meeting your child’s physical and emotional needs is often undertaken by just one parent. For single-parent households, the weight of it all can be even harder to bear.
The mental load of motherhood and how to share it
The mental load tends to fall on the primary caregiver, which means it can be a problem for dads as well. However, with women being 1.9x more likely on average to assume the overseeing of household chores regardless of their employment situation, mums generally find themselves responsible for organising and coordinating family life.
A French comic artist called Emma created an illustration entitled ‘You Should Have Asked’ which portrays the issue perfectly. Having to ask for help only adds to the fact that you’re having to think of everything, when all you want is for someone else to do the thinking and doing for you. The problem with carrying this mental burden is that it can leave you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, and that can lead to parental burnout.
It’s why we created Parent List, to alleviate some of that overwhelm through useful checklists and quick-reference content, and it’s designed to help dads, too.
How to explain the invisible burden to your partner and tips to share the mental load
Talk about it.
It might feel easier to carry the responsibility, but that can lead to resentment which could compound the situation, creating negative feelings. It’s worth explaining how you feel with phrases such as ‘I feel overwhelmed’, rather than confrontational statements like ‘you never do enough to help.’ Let your partner know that having to think of everything all the time is too much on top of everything else.
If talking about it is difficult, perhaps ask if they wouldn’t mind taking responsibility for the food shopping for a few weeks, for example. If that isn’t an option, you might want to see if there is anyone else outside of your household who could help with another aspect. Getting a cleaner, perhaps. Or ask a family member to look after your child/children for a while.
2. Planning, management, and delegation isn’t just for housework.
Some administrative aspects of managing a family and home could be shared or outsourced. List everything and consider who could be responsible for each area. For example, finances, childcare, or medical appointments. Writing it down together as a plan or ‘To Do’ list is also helpful, as it transfers that mental load into a list of requirements that your partner can physically see. Therefore, taking some of the weight off your mind.
3. Let go of societal expectations.
It’s easier said than done, but sometimes you have to let things slide, instead of trying to keep up appearances on Instagram. Many of us are struggling to balance too much these days. Something has to give, and it shouldn’t be your health.
4. Check in with each other regularly to make sure things are working.
If you can, book time for regular get-togethers to go over everything relating to household management to see if swapping responsibility for a task might help.
5. Use Parent List.
The free Parent List app (coming soon) is designed to help manage the mental load with pre-loaded tick lists and short, digestible content. The app allows you to share those lists, as well as create and share your own with your support network of partners, co-parents, family, and friends. Sign up for free to find out more.
How mindfulness helps lighten the mental load
Making efforts to share the invisible burden and using an app or resource like Parent List is a great start in helping to lighten the mental load. However, being mindful and even practising quick mindfulness meditations can really help as you can train your brain to quiet the mind from persistent chatter and worrying.
What is mindfulness meditation?
Being mindful is one of our core values at Parent List. We encourage being present in the moment, using the opportunity to observe our emotions. While mindfulness is a form of meditation, it’s simply about being able to pay attention to your body, thoughts, and feelings, without judgement. Just like exercising any other muscle, regular practice can train your mind to be aware, notice feelings, and calm racing thoughts.
Benefits of mindful meditation
Mindfulness can help to reduce stress and anxiety and encourage kindness to yourself. Research suggests that it can help promote better sleep, lower your heart rate, and improve your resistance to illness. There are apps available to help you with mindfulness and short meditations such as Calm or Headspace, which are great if you need a starting point or guidance. Anyone can practice mindfulness and you can do so any time in quick intervals.
How to practice a little mindfulness every day
With all the juggling of parenting and the mental load that comes with it, it can feel difficult to find the time to practice. But here are some quick and simple mindfulness tips you can use alongside everyday activities to help recentre yourself:
Pay attention to your body while showering and brushing your teeth
Focus on the rise and fall of your breath while exercising
Eat meals without distraction, focusing on the pleasure of nourishing your body
Consciously drop your shoulders and relax your scalp
Connect with your children at eye-level
Mindfulness exercises and activity
Beyond quiet meditation, mindfulness can be enjoyed in other ways. There are lots of mindfulness exercises and activities that can help you:
Spend time outdoors and notice the activity and sensations around you. The song of the blackbird, or the scent of pine needles on the damp forest floor.
Colour together with your child/children to connect and experience mindfulness together while thoughts drift gently through your mind. You can download our Mindful Colouring Sheets (PDF) here.
Listen to some gentle music to help soothe your mind and calm your thoughts.
Try gardening – connecting physically with nature can be very grounding, and naturally promotes mindfulness as you handle the soil and tend to the flowers.
Write down your thoughts. Freewriting is especially cathartic, and journaling can really help to organise things in your mind.
These are just a few different ways you can practice mindfulness. For help with guided meditations, Parent List’s features include access to quick 5-, 10- and 15-minute guided meditations, as well as short breathing techniques to help maintain a sense of calm and balance. Register on the app for free to find out more.
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